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So it was a pretty crazy weekend, pretty full of people to see who I haven’t seen in a long time (some since before my injury) and things to do. I mean, I expected just as much for the weekend of my crazy party/benefit, but man, I had no idea all that I should have been preparing myself for.
It was a great night, so many smiling faces and supportive hugs. Seeing everyone meant the world to me. My talk went well, even though I was ridiculously nervous and probably said some stupid things, but I’m pretty good at saying stupid things (I tell Mom that it’s because it’s hereditary…I don’t know why she still loves me…). Anyways, my speech was recorded, so once it’s up online, I’ll make sure to post the link if you’d like to hear it.
You know, the more I think about it, it also was a night to start over, to let it all go. To let go of what was and look forward to what is. I guess that sounds dumb…hmmmm….
You know how sometimes you hold on to things? You hold on to precious trinkets from the past. You hold on to memories. You hold on to feelings. Heck, sometimes you don’t even realize you’re still holding on to those things. Sometimes you don’t even realize it until those things are literally staring you in face.
Somethings are worth holding on to. I’ll be the first to say I understand how precious certain memories are. I have a collection of them now that I don’t ever want to let go of. Like my memory of crossing the finish line of my first half marathon, heart pounding and legs exhausted. Like my memory of being knee deep in straw, assisting in the birth of a beautiful little lamb. The thought of letting go or forgetting those things terrifies me, but a friend once told me I wouldn’t be forgetting, I would just be putting those things in hibernation for awhile.
But some things you just need to let go of. Some things really aren’t worth holding on to.
As humans, we only have so much space for things. There is only so much space for the things we keep in our homes just like there is only so much room for the thoughts and feelings we keep in our minds and hearts. It really is up to us what we want to occupy those spaces.
There have been a lot of things in my head and heart since all of this happened, a lot of things I thought I had dealt with and never realized I actually hadn’t. It was like my own strange form of spinal cord injury baggage. And just like unpacking in real life is work, so is unpacking all that figurative baggage I had collected. I’m sure some things never got unpacked and instead are stuffed into the closet to find later, but I feel good. This feels good.
It feels so good to let it go. To let it go and just. Start. Over.
I’ve got a lot to look forward to in this crazy wonderful life I’ve been blessed with.We all have a lot to look forward to.
Why should we hold on to the negatives of our past? Why should we bother looking back.
Okay, where to even start…I feel like there’s so much going on right now, so much I’m working on and doing on a daily basis that my mind doesn’t even know how to organize it all. If you ask me, that makes it really challenging to process and prepare for things, especially big things….
You might have noticed the little count down deal on the side of the page that the benefit/party is in a mere 4 days. Woah. I’m really excited. But I’m also really nervous. Actually, I’m scared poop-less.
You see, I’ve never been good with the whole concept of needing help. I’m never been very good at accepting help and it often takes me a lot longer to ask for help than it probably should and I wouldn’t get myself into stupid predicaments…
Yea, you don’t even want to know how many times I’ve pulled something like that little kitten and had to start the ….mom….Mom?….MOM! chant. Read the rest of this entry »
So before I officially get started, just a little side note…
Some awesome friends filmed and edited a video of me and my parents that tells my story. It’s out and published and you can see it by clicking on the “Benefit” tab at the top of the page. There’s a big ole “click HERE” link that’ll direct you to the online fundraising page with the video right there to watch. So check it out:) There are some other updates on that tab too…like an awesome sheep made outta Costco toilet paper. Yea, I’m serious and yea, there’s a picture….
Have you ever noticed how things almost always come as units? I mean, it’s rarely if ever just a burger. Instead, it’s a whole combo meal. When you buy a car, it’s not just the car. It’s the car, the insurance policy, the oil changes, the gas, and on and on. Spinal cord injuries are kinda like that car. It looks like one thing on the outside, and not until you’re in the midst of it all do you really realize what it all entails. Not until you’re back at the mechanic for the umpteenth time because your transmission dropped, your spark plugs went hay wire, or goodness know what else happened does it finally click.
Yea, spinal cord injuries are like that.
I learned early on that the whole “not walking” part of a spinal cord injury was and is the easy part of all of this. No really, the “using a wheelchair to get around” was and is the least of my worries. It’s all that other crap that comes with this that challenges everything I am and stand for. It’s the rest of the package deal that makes this as difficult as it is somedays. Read the rest of this entry »
I think there are stages to everything in life, stages you simply have to work through and experience. I mean, there are stages you go through in school, there are stages you go through in your professional life, and there are definitely stages in dealing with loss. I’m sure everyone’s been through what I’m talking about in some way or another. Maybe it was the loss of a job, maybe it was the loss of a friend or family member. I guess I’ve been dealing with my own little menagerie of loss since May. Loss of career aspirations. Loss of sensations. Loss of motor function. And on and on and on. No matter what it is, loss is hard. More simply put, loss sucks. I googled stages of loss and apparently there are five. Five stages you go through as you learn how to cope with your new situation.
Denial…anger….bargaining….depression…..all leading up to acceptance.
It just feels good to say doesn’t it? Like a big sigh of relief after all these hard and terrible things. The rainbow after the storm. But getting there…man is that rough. Somedays it feels like your pulling on a door that says push. I’ll be the first to say it, life is everything but enjoyable when you’re at a place in your life where you don’t even accept who you are. When I was first injured, acceptance was the last thing on my agenda. I guess I didn’t even realize it until I think back on that time now–like my own personal form of denial. I mean, I knew I couldn’t walk and if I ever did regain motor function, it honestly would be a miracle. But I didn’t want to take in this whole situation..Hmmmm, let me explain. Read the rest of this entry »
Do you ever stop and think about the things that have happened in your life? Just pause and reflect back on where you were and what you were doing a few short months ago? I never used to, well, I guess I sort of did, just in the little moments of remembering where I was and what for. But I’ve started spending a lot more time reflecting.
It’s nice to be in control. To be in charge of how something and when something is going to happen. To be able to decide what you want to do and just do it.
We all have some amount of “control” within our lives. We can control what our mood or attitude will be for the day. We can control where want to go and how we want to get there. We can control what food we want to eat and how much exercise we get. Yet, there are some things we can’t control no matter how hard we wish we could. I mean, how great would if be if you could control the weather. I could sure go for some springtime temperatures right about now…
So this post is brought to you by a year older Sam. Yep, I turned 22 on the 14th. Hence why my favorite number is 14 and this year rocks (granted, if we’re speaking in relative terms, it doesn’t have to do a heck of a lot to beat 2013) But anyways…I think we’ve all heard the phrase “with age comes wisdom” at some point in time. I always used to simply take that at face value. I felt as though the people older then me sure seemed to have more wisdom than I did, even the Costco toilet paper obsessed ones. And heck, I still feel that way. But I don’t think “with age comes wisdom” is entirely true. I’m sitting here, as I always am (ha, sorry…bad joke) an entire year older, not feeling like I’ve gained very much wisdom.
However, I have gained something else—life experiences.
If you would have asked 21-year-old Sam the things she expected to experience before she became 22-year-old Sam, she would have been pretty confident in her answer. She would have said things like, she expected to graduate college with her degree, she expected to get married, she expected to start vet school, she expected to be happily residing in an apartment in MN with her new husband. Obviously my last year of life experiences was drastically different than I had expected, it sure is funny how life turns out… Read the rest of this entry »