Do you ever stop and think about the things that have happened in your life? Just pause and reflect back on where you were and what you were doing a few short months ago? I never used to, well, I guess I sort of did, just in the little moments of remembering where I was and what for. But I’ve started spending a lot more time reflecting.
.When I first came home from Craig Hospital back in August I had a lot of things to deal with. There was the physical adjustment phase of being in my childhood home in a wheelchair instead of walking. But there was also the emotional adjustment phase of dealing with being in my childhood home in a wheelchair instead of walking. I always used to run to deal with big changes or times of emotional crisis, but for obvious reasons, that really wasn’t an option. So, I decided to journal, journal out my thoughts and feelings. I mean, it had to be better than keeping it all in right?
I went back through some of those journal entries this week and all I can say is woah. Just woah.
“Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. I hurt so much and in ways I never thought possible. I can’t wrap my mind around what I’m going through and I don’t even know where to start.” -September 17
I always thought the saying you learn from your past was a stupid one. I mean, of course you learn from your past, how can you learn from your future. You don’t even know what your future holds. I guess I just felt like it didn’t even need to be said. But now, I get why it is said. As people, we say things that we feel are important and worth hearing. Learning from your past is certainly one of those things.
“I really need to work on my attitude and my optimism. I feel the devil creep into my mind all the time. He tells me how I’m not as much of a person as someone who walks and I’ll never amount to anything. He tells me how worthless I am and my life is right now and sometimes it’s really hard to banish those thoughts from my mind and not believe that they’re all truer then I would like them to be.” -September 21
Going back and looking at some of the things I thought and felt can be hard. Heck, simply remembering the pain I was in, both physical and emotional, is hard. Just reading through I want to go back to past Sam, give her a big hug and tell her it’ll get better. It just takes time to work through, it takes time to heal, it takes time to learn how to trust God and His plan for all of this.
“Things are getting better, life is slowly getting easier, I’m adjusting to things, I’m moving on, and I’m doing really well. I mean all things considered, I really don’t have a heck of a lot to complain about. I mean, I’m alive! And I have a family who cares about me and people in my life that support me through everything.”-October 24
I think I had to go through those tough times to be where I’m at. To be in a place where I not only accept, but love myself the way I am. I needed the time to work through things and learn about myself and this new life. And you know, I’m glad I wrote it all down. I’m glad I can go back and reflect on where I was and where I’m at. I hope someday I can remember and use those feelings from the early stages post injury to help someone else whose life has so drastically been changed.
“I miss being 6 feet tall. I miss being able to get things out of the cupboard. I miss being able to stop and not have to worry about still moving. I miss going up stairs without help. I miss doing situps. I miss the feeling of having to go to the bathroom. I miss feeling the weight of a pet on my lap. I miss talking and laughing about how good my butt looks.” -December 4
This will never be easy, but it is easier than what it was. I’m sure I’ll still have bad days. But everyone has bad days.
You just have to keep pushing.
Push through the hard, then reflect and learn from it.