Ready

If you’ve read almost any of my past posts you’ve probably realized that on occasion, I like to give my Mom a hard time. She has this remarkable obsession with Costco toilet paper that I find simply hilarious–in our extended family, she’s like the tooth fairy but with toilet paper. I also may or may not have almost gotten her arrested in the airport this one time. I’m also convinced that she doesn’t actually know I’m paralyzed because of some of the things she says and does (Example #1: Tapping my leg to get my attention–yea, that doesn’t work).

With all that being said, my Mom is an extremely perceptive individual. She’s good at planning things and she can read between the lines better than most people can actually read. Needless to say, there isn’t much that gets past Mom (excluding the fact that I’m paralyzed and use a wheelchair–that hasn’t sunk in).

What am I getting at? Well October 18th was my Mom and Dad’s 30th Wedding Anniversary and my sisters and I decided to plan them a surprise anniversary party. The last time someone tried to pull off some sort of “surprise party” on Mom was her 40th birthday (I can say she’s over 40 right?)  and if I recall correctly, that wasn’t the most appreciated celebration. Granted, that could have been because of the whole turning 40 thing but I digress…

The day of the party Dad knew what was going on (it was the only way to get him there and out of the fields from harvest), but Mom was still clueless. Meaning Mom had no idea that she had a place that she needed to be at at a very particular time. Fittingly, it was my job to get her there.

That was an experience in itself where I convinced Mom we just HAD to go to the Farmer’s Market so I could get my last egg roll of the season and we could walk the ave just one more time. There may have been snow flurries that morning which made convincing a bit of a challenge. Thankfully I have a pretty convincing pout face. We slowly strolled the market,  I distracted Mom at a local coffee shop by teaching her how to use Instagram on her cell phone, and then made an excuse to go to the mall and get some tea.

instaMom’s first ever instagram post — a selfie

We get to the mall, I go the bathroom and am gone for maybe 5 minutes. I go back to mother dearest and find out that she had called the older sister to talk to her about something or other. Naturally, Danielle was well in the middle of preparing the hall–decorating and all that jazz –and Mom had decided to call her. Seriously, I left her alone for 5 minutes. Lesson learned: no potty breaks when you’re on Mom duty. From that moment on, I followed her around like a shadow. She may have commented after the fact how annoying she thought I was that morning… Oh well, I don’t think that’s too far gone from how annoying I can be on a normal day.

Long story short, I got her there. The sisters (and aunts) did an amazing job setting everything up and the surprise was a big success. Mom was floored (which doesn’t happen very often) and it was a pretty great celebration of love, memories, and the passing of time.

annMom and Dad even had  a go at using a selfie stick. Although I need to admit, the pictures of them trying to take pictures are way better than the actual picture they were taking.

You know, between my older sister’s wedding and my parents 30th wedding anniversary, there have been a lot of “love related events” occurring in my family in a rather short period of time. Naturally, that makes me think. It makes me pause and reflect on this whole concept and idea of love and the role it plays and maybe has played in my life and the way I live.

Love is such a big word. Clearly not literally – it’s only 4 letters – but it almost seems like 4 letter words pack the biggest punch (if you know what I’m getting at). There’s so much that encompass saying you love someone and there are so many different KINDS of love. In fact, the Greeks even had 4 different words for love, each of which described a different kind (if you don’t believe me, look it up!) All these family love related events focused on that romantic love so that is what has been on my mind (yea, when I say love from now on, that’s what I’m referring to).

I’ve been in love before.

When I was injured I was actually engaged and 2.5 short months away from my wedding day which never actually came to fruition. Now please, don’t jump to any conclusions. I still have and always will have the utmost respect for my once fiance and his family. He’s a great person and I only want the best for him and pray he finds someone that can fulfill him in a way that I didn’t.

Love is kind of a scary thing. Kind of…ha, who am I kidding, love IS a scary thing. You open yourself up to so many things. Yea, so many wonderful and amazing things, but there’s always that chance for a whole lot of very painful things. That pain is hard to forget and it sure can play a role in your future interactions, even when you don’t realize it.

I know I’m capable of loving and I know I’m capable of being loved. My wheelchair is the way I move through the world, not a defining feature of who I am and my ability to be in a relationship and even have a family if I would so choose (Side note: Yep, I can have kids the natural way).  Any man I would want to fall in love with and have in my life would see and understand that very basic fact.

Yet as I sit and watch my older sister, so happy and in love with her new husband and my parents laughing at goodness knows what after 30 years of wedded bliss, I know that that kind of love isn’t something I’m ready for.

love

Don’t ask me how I’ll know when I’m ready, because I have no idea. I know that right know in my life I have much more interest in figuring out the difference between glycogenesis, gluconeogenesis, and glycolysis than falling in love (No seriously, I do find that more interesting, and in case you were wondering, those 3 remarkably similar looking words are all different mechanisms in which our bodies maintain a relatively constant blood sugar level).

Love will happen when it happens.
In the meantime, I’m content learning and growing in an even better kind of love…

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3: 22-23

 

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4 thoughts on “Ready

  1. pmlkwag@gmail.com says:

    Oh Sam that was so beautiful! You are such a gifted writer and always have a message about living as a child of God. Your humor cracks me up more than “goodness knows what.” I know that God will continue to bless you on this journey called life. Thank you for sharing 😇😜😘 Mary Wagner

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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